When I was about 18, this became one of my most favorite poems, by brilliant poet Luci Shaw:
MORE AND MORE...
...I find myself coinciding
with myself. I meet me coming
and going and when I think of me,
there I am, quite often. I'm getting hard
to escape; I used to be hard to find.
*
What irony, when I have been everywhere,
my life spread so wide - flung, taut, like a single
bedsheet stretched to cover the whole world.
Thinned to transparency, a bubble bursting.
Stalled, a wave to spent to conquer the beach.
*
Now, though, its like double vision - when
your eyes finally get it right, and pull
the split image into one. I see myself mirrored,
clean at all my edges, even the hairs around my head
in focus, the sun blazing them into a halo.
*
For some unexplained reason, I have been mulling the words of this poem lately, sort of seeing myself in them. I suppose at first blush, the final words of the last stanza would seem to represent some sort of exposed hubris, but I don't think it really reads that way. We always have self-improvement projects going on I suppose, and though the mantra of my early youth was more of a Calvin & Hobbes "...my resolution is not to change one single bit", I quickly saw how far that could get me.
*
After moving to VA, I saw my need to develop contentment. Well, truth be told I saw that need long ago but characteristically ignored/denied it, rebelled against meaningful growth. I can be so stupid. So I finally really saw it. God has been gracious, and granted the wisdom and strength to begin to conquer this area of decay in my life.
*
And so I've read this poem, seeing those early days of my adulthood, marriage, motherhood, when I first think "no problem" and then quickly disappear into a quicksand of doubt, restlessness, and fear. Though cyclical, it was there often enough to keep me from doing my best, trusting like I should, loving like I should. "Now, though, its like double-vision, when your eyes finally get it right..." So I'm still progressing, in this and a myriad of other areas, but I feel like I'm coming along. I'm 30, and I'm coming along.
4 "atta girl"s:
Wow...what a poignant description of your journey of discovering yourself. The discoveries aren't always pleasant, but when they're accurate and honest they're valuable. I've seen the changes in you recently and I think your appraisal of yourself as developing contentment is right on the mark and it's beautiful.
I love you.
Love that poem! Thanks for sharing your life. Although I get to talk to you quite a bit, I love reading your thoughts. You're a wonderful writer.
Love the authenticity in this post. I seem to bump into myself at the most unusual corners, so to speak. Right when I need "me" to be "me", I run into me. Strange how life cycles us through and we learn as much as we can at the times we can. Keep writing... :)
well done. if you can be coming along at 30, then there's hope for us old folks ;-). I especially like this line for some reason:
"Stalled, a wave too spent to conquer the beach"
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