we are not as strong as we think we are

Wow -- its been a hard week. I think its been tough for a few weeks actually, but this one has been very not fun. Dave's been idle for a month now, which has been hard in so many ways, not the least of which is financially. He's been very frustrated, trying so hard to stay opimistic and seek God's face about our future. Things are picking up, at least for the next couple weeks, and lots of good possibilities on the horizon. He picked up a part time job at Target, working only nights, so he'll still be free for landscaping during the day. We are hopeful that this will help to ease the burden when things are slow, but I also worry about him being exhausted all the time. I'm so thankful he is willing to do whatever is needed for his family.

Henry and Carrie have been sick for a week now. They had colds and then developed pink eye, and have been miserable. I think Henry is starting to recover thankfully, and hopefully Carrie won't be far behind. Its so hard to see the little ones sick -- they have no clue what's going on and just sit and cry a lot.

We found out this week that Pawpop (Dad's dad) has cancer. I am scared and devastated. I don't know many families who have a man who is not just Dad and Grandpa, but a true patriarch so needed and revered by his family. My life has been so severely shaped and influenced by him that it is so hard to imagine not having that direct influence some day. My kids think he's their Pawpop, have no clue that he's really their great-grandfather. Its been such a blessing to have him so involved in their lives. I was very blessed to know one of my great-great-grandmothers (and have memories!), at least 5 great-grandparents, and all my grandparents. Ever since Grandad King died 3 years ago, I've had this slow, sinking feeling that its all downhill from here, and I'd be watching my grandparents leave us. Of course, you always KNOW it will happen, but the reality has been so unavoidable with Grandma June's Parkinson's disease, Grandma Lola's stroke, and now Pawpop. My heart breaks to think of them gone, and yet I am conscious now of making sure that my children watch me accept these changes with graciousness in my grief. They will too grieve, and someday grieve for their grandparents, and parents...

I hate when life is hard. I know that God seems to teach us the most when we can do nothing but lean on Him, and yet I hate it. I'm not sure how sinful that makes me, but there I am. I pray every day for the grace to not be so bad. I hope its working. In all life's madness, I remember that my summer in Romania we used to say "God is good...ALL the time". I need to believe that.